Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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