Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
