Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
