I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
What a dumb baby whore.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
