I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Randomize
