I think I died a long time ago.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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