just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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