just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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