i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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