I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
