So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
