I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
