My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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