she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
