3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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