Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
