Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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