He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
