I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
