I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
