Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
