nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
