You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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