Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
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