Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
