my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
