1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
