Where did you get a picture of my penis
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
