Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
