Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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