I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
