Michael Bay diarrhea
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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