Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
