Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.