i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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