'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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