If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
