There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
