Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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