Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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