I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize