Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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