I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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