I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
