apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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