I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He shit in the fireplace
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
