remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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