ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
