im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
