You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
