I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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