my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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