Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Randomize
