Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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