Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
