It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
