apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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