Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
it's great music for shaving your balls
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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