lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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