Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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