Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
two words...techno handjob
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
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